It has come to my attention that Bill Belichick, three-time Super Bowl loser and good friend of Donald Trump, is being considered by President Trump for his Sports Council.
This is all according to Jonathan Swan of Axios.com, who seems vaguely reliable, I suppose.
Good, great, grand. William Belichick getting appointed to any position within the United States government is a real-life nightmare. It’s a dystopian vision of large banners adorning city corners that read “DO YOUR JOB” and even more cameras watching your every move.
Under the Obama Administration, the focus of the Sports Council (then called the Council of Fitness, Sports, and Nutrition) was to make school lunches healthier, something Michelle Obama was committed to during her tenure as First Lady.
The Trump Administration wants to have the council focus on encouraging kids to take up sports. So naturally, if you want to appeal to kids, it makes sense to ask for the help of a monosyllabic 66-year-old man who will make your kids cry.
Here’s an exchange I imagine happening between Belichick and some young kids:
ACT I
A local elementary school principal invites Bill Belichick to the stage at a school assembly. Scattered applause from the crowd.
BELICHICK: How’s everyone doing today?
Muffled reaction from the crowd.
BELICHICK: Just kidding I don’t care. The reason I’m here is to encourage you little rats to sign up for sports. Who here likes football?
Several children raise their hands. Belichick points to a rotund boy in the second row.
BELICHICK: You there, tubby, you could make a halfway decent nose tackle if you’d stop stuffing your face with Twinkies.
The large boy cries and runs off to the bathroom.
BELICHICK: This is the weeding-out process. That boy is soft, both physically and mentally. That’s not the Patriot way, kids.
Belichick points out a small, pale boy with glasses in the fourth row.
BELICHICK: I like the cut of your jib, four eyes. I can see you playing the slot. Can you catch anything? Aside from a cold? Ha. Ha. Ha.
BOY WITH GLASSES: My dad says you’re a cheater.
Belichick gestures to security. The boy is promptly removed and never seen again.
BELICHICK: We’re done here.
ACT II
Belichick is sitting in his office with his head in his hands, clearly frustrated.
BELICHICK: I just don’t know how to reach these kids! I’ve tried everything!
Enter Patriots quarterback Tom Brady. He is wearing a MAGA hat and very short shorts.
BELICHICK. Hey Tom, how’s my favorite quarterback that I’m going to cut as soon as he shows signs of regression?
BRADY: Hey Coach, I heard you were having a tough go at it with the new gig.
BELICHICK: Well, you heard right, Tom. I just don’t know how to get these kids interested in sports.
BRADY: I know a way you can get them in shape.
BELICHICK: No, Tom, I’m not kissing any kids. We talked about this.
BRADY: Good one, coach. I meant fixing their diets. I can have Alex Guerrero show up to some elementary schools and whip these school kitchens into shape by removing tomatoes, carbs, sugar, and sodium of any kind, and only letting them drink triple-filtered TB12 water. All for the low, low price of their youthful exuberance.
Belichick ponders the proposal, thinking hard about the implications of depriving small children of most basic nutrients.
BELICHICK: You know what? That might just work…
BRADY: I’m glad you could see things my way, for once.
The two share a hearty laugh before reviewing videotaped signals from the Colts, Broncos, and Ravens OTA sessions.
ACT III
Brady and Belichick re-enter the cafeteria of the local elementary school. The stench of vomit and horror fills the air.
BELICHICK: You smell that, Tom? That’s the smell of a championship being born.
BRADY: You said it, Coach. The kids that survive the TB12 diet will be able to play sports into their mid-40’s like me!
The two Patriots roam the cafeteria before finally sitting down at a table alongside a group of malnourished children.
BRADY: Hey kids, how do you like the new menu?
The kids barely look at Brady. They struggle to move their heads. A tooth falls out of a young girl’s mouth.
BRADY: Make sure to leave that under the pillow for the Tooth Fairy!
BELICHICK: Tom, I think that was an adult tooth.
Brady shrugs and they move on to the next table, taking a seat next to the principal.
PRINCIPAL: Coach, Mr. Brady, I appreciate all you’ve done for my school but I just don’t think this new diet is healthy. Kids are fainting during class!
BRADY: Ha ha, oh man. I could never stay awake for math class myself.
BELICHICK: You just have to show these kids the Patriot way. If one of them starts mouthing off, sit them down during recess. If you can’t pay your teachers, allocate some funds for them in an offshore bank account. It’s really not that hard.
PRINCIPAL: I question your ethics, gentlemen.
BRADY: Ethics?
PRINCIPAL: You know, morals?
Brady and Belichick look at each other, confused.
BRADY: You’re going to have to start speaking English, pal.
The principal shakes his head and walks off.
BELICHICK: Well, Tom, I’d say we… did our job.
THE END.
