Welcome Take vs Taek with TJ Carpenter: Super Bowl Edition!
2- I’m TJ Carpenter
1- And I’m TJ Carpenter
2- And this is Take vs Taek and we are debating who will win the Super Bowl… shocker… it’s the Patriots
1- … it’s the Rams.
2- Well let’s start here. Tom Brady is the greatest quarterback of all time and also the greatest underdog of all time and he’s married to a Super Model, so… he’s like the holy trinity of being awesome. I don’t see how you can stop that… and also you can’t criticise him.
1- Uh, Tom Brady is a known cheater… the news never lies. A kid in Kentucky won an award for scientifically proving that what this graphic says is true. And that’s where I get all my scientific information from. Climate Change, Gage theory, whatever Joe Rogan is talking about this week, Grade school science fairs… That’s where Neil DeGrasse Tyson got his start. That’s where I’m getting my information.
2- You know they fired that guy at the TV station right? Because you do not slander Brady. He’s WON FIVE SUPER BOWLS and this will be his 9th trip! And he’s also simultaneously the ultimate underdog. Did you know he was a sixth round draft pick? Not a lot of people know that. He was also at Michigan and forced by known evil person Lloyd Carr to sit behind a baseball player. Not a lot of people know that. And he’s slow. Not a lot of people know that. He’s also married to a Super Model I don’t know if I mentioned that.
1- Yeah well, Sean McVay has a photographic memory… which may not be a football skill, but he’s so good at explaining why plays didn’t work after they lose. It’s impressive.
2- We can agree here. I’ll have just as much fun as you will watching him explain why they lost to the Patriots in the Super Bowl. That’s his time to shine. He won’t disappoint.
1- He’s an offensive genius. You know they beat the Chiefs in the greatest game of all time this season according to people who have never watched football before. His offensive genius did that…
2- Yes, his offensive genius…and also Patrick Mahomes cracking under pressure and giving 21 points to the Rams defense. BEEN THERE. DONE THAT. TWICE THIS SEASON. I know he’s THE SAVIOR of all you Devil-Worshiping Brady haters, but that doesn’t mean he can afford to start giving touchdowns away like he’s Oprah. ACT LIKE YOU’VE BEEN THERE. Like the all holy-Brady… who’s been there nine times now. I don’t know if I’ve mentioned that.
1- Stop okay… we get it. But that’s the old way. We’re not doing that anymore. Brady’s going to have to retire eventually.
2- Nope, no he doesn’t.
1- and when that HAPPENS… Sean McVay and Jared Goff will be the wave of the future. Plus, the Rams defense is amazing. Aaron Donald, Suh, Peters, Talib uncle Wade… I mean I know those are just names and not statistical evidence of what I’m saying… but that’s a good defense, trust me… and whatever you do, don’t look it up on the internet.
2- You know what you should look up? The Patriots record vs… ANYONE.
1- Even smudge face Eli Manning?
2- Those were acts of God. David Tyree works at mall kiosk now. Get out of here with that.
1- Yeah well CJ Anderson ate 17 pretzels from that mall kiosk and learned all of Tyree’s secrets. Secret number one: have sex before the game. Secret number two: You’re gonna want to eat the unborn fetus of a chicken. Number three!:…
2- Lemme just stop you right there, unborn fetus of a chicken… you’re talking about eggs? He wants you to eat eggs for breakfast. Well to be a one catch wonder maybe… but to be the GOAT you’ve got to have an avocado smoothie and full mouth kiss your children… it’s okay because they’re family.
1- If Aaron Donald full mouth kisses Brady I don’t think he’ll enjoy that as much. I expect several Aaron Donald full mouth kisses on Tom Brady.
2- You’re disgusting and also disregarding how good all those tiny white guys the Patriots have at WR are. And the one big white guy too. And also the old angry white guy they have on the sideline. Don’t look him directly in the eyes… if you do, he’ll have you traded to another country.
1- Well the Rams have the ultimate tiny white guy the king of all tiny white guys… Sean McVay. And don’t forget, no one wants you to win in the rest of the entire country. They’re all rooting against the Patriots.
2- Pffshhhh what? Those people? Roger Goodell had to confirm that the refs who blew the call against Rams who were gifted a trip to the Super Bowl – those refs are just human and not alien cyborg assassins from southern california sent do destroy the happiness of the city of New Orleans… let’s not act like we’re dealing with a bunch of MENSA members here.
1- Sean McVay is literally a member of MENSA… and this is why everyone hates you. I’ve got the Rams… 20-17.
2- And I’ve got Tom Brady and the Patriots WINNING in their NINTH SUPER BOWL 20-17.
AND THAT’S TAKE VS TAEK.