There has been a rumor circulating around the greasiest corners of Cowboys nation that Sean Payton will be coaching the Dallas Cowboys next season and not Jason Garrett the Jerry Smith of the NFL. You remember that time he had to pay Brad Paisley to hang out with him in public? Come on man, you could have at least gotten Post Malone or Lil Wayne. Always remember to ask yourself, what would Odell Beckham do?

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No, Sean Payton gets it. He’s cool, I know that because he was on Ballers. And this theory is the thing of Moose Johnson fever dreams. There are two parts of this theory: Number one – why the Cowboys? Number two – why not the Saints?

Let’s start with why the Cowboys

Sean Payton was a position coach in Dallas for 3 years under the Bill Parcells – Big Tuna – which you may think isn’t that long in comparison to the 13 years he’s been in New Orleans… but you’d be wrong, because being a Cowboy is more potent than being anything else. So every year counts as five… That’s better. So… now that’s out of the way. Sean Payton also has a home in Dallas… well had a home in Dallas, and that’s exactly the same thing. And of course Jerry Jones has more money than Satan, so he can afford to just take another team’s head coach if he wants. Jones gave this rumor legs in a recent radio interview because Jerry Jones was his typical word-vimity self…

… yes, that’s right Jerry Jones doesn’t know what he’s going to think. Which means he could be thinking ANYTHING. What if BRADY RETIRES AND BELLICHICK is going to be the new coach of the Cowboys. What if it’s Nick Saban. We know how much Jerry likes Arkansas… he could be hiring houston nutt he’s available or the ghost of his old college coach Frank Broyles. They can just call the plays in with a ouija board from the booth. If anyone has enough money to hire a dead coach from the spirit realm… it’s Jerry Jones.

And why not New Orleans?

Well how do I put this, Drew Brees is old. And he hasn’t discovered the colon cleansing age reversing powers of a flax seed avacado smoothie like Tom Brady has. So, given that Brees is so close to dementia and eventual death unlike Tom Brady who is beautiful and perfect in every way… Sean Payton will be looking for a new squeeze. What if they win the Super Bowl? What if they win the super bowl? I have sources close to the situation that tell me that Sean Payton was a coach under Bill Parcells who often had clauses in his contracts that would give him outs if he won a championship and wanted to go somewhere else. And that absolutely means Sean Payton is going to be the next coach of the Cowboys. I don’t see how it could be any clearer?

Also New Orleans isn’t that big of a deal… It’s basically Louisville Kentucky with a swamp next to it. It’s not Dallas – The Big D – Where you’re royalty. You are literally more important than people in other cities just by being there. Unless you went to Texas A&M… if you went to Texas A&M you can take your fake army and march it straight to hell.

Clearly Payton is going to coach the Cowboys. Unless he decides stay, in which case. I never liked him anyways.

Payton is a fraud. I am of course referring to his stint with the Liberty Christian Warriors in 2012. When he coached his son’s sixth grade team to a near undefeated season until his high flying NFL offense was exposed by a team that ran the single wing! Who’s an offensive genius now? You can’t even beat sixth graders running nothing but pitch plays!

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Jason Garrett may have gotten run down by the rams but at least he’s not getting his throat kicked in by Springtown trash.

And that, and no other reason, is why Jason Garrett will be the coach of the Cowboys… unless Sean Payton wants it… in which case that was what Jerry Jones had planned all along! Congratulations Cowboys fans! You just made a fan theory into a reality. Nice work.