It’s time for March Madness, the NCAA Tournament, or as it’s being rebranded by ESPN, the Duke/Zion Williamson we must profit as much as we possibly can off the brand awareness and physical abilities of a teenager while we can before he starts making money on his own in the NBA and we can no longer exploit him for personal gain… tournament.

Not a catchy title, but you have to admit, it’s the first honest thing the NCAA has done since Walter Byers admitted calling players “student athletes” was just a scheme to not pay for medical insurance.

IT’S THE MOST WONDERFUL TIME OF YEAR!!! And we’re going to give you everything you need to know about this year’s big dance with the help of our sponsor!

EAST

Duke – It doesn’t matter who they play, they will be honored to be shown on the same TV screen and even be mentioned in the same breath as Duke and Zion Williamson, who is the savior of basketball… he’s already sacrificed his shoe for our sins… now it is time for him to continue to sacrifice his own financial value and perhaps promising future for the financial gain of America’s most corrupt institution. GOD I LOVE COLLEGE BASKETBALL!!!

 

Mississippi St. vs Liberty – The mighty Bulldogs and their coach Ben Joweland take on the Liberty fightin’ Falwells. It’s the battle between teaching creationism at a public university and type 2 diabetes. It doesn’t matter who wins, science loses… so I’ll go with type 2 diabetes, which I believe represents… LIBERTY?

 

VT vs St. Louis – The fighting Turkey men vs the St Louis Billikens. If you don’t know what a Billiken is, I’ll tell you… it’s a mythical creature who goes around fixing things with magic while also spreading the gospel of Jay Bilas. And for that reason, they must be stopped. I’ve got Tech.

 

Louisville vs Minnesota – BEST TROLL JOB IN THE HISTORY OF THE TOURNAMENT Richard Pitino must go up against the ghost of his father and famous necromancer Rick Pitino after he was removed from his longtime position as head coach for being a terrible person in general. After employing Bobby Petrino and Rick Pitino simultaneously TWO SEPARATE TIMES we have learned that no one attending Louisville at that time will get into heaven. I’ve got the Golden Shower Gophers in this one.

 

WEST

Syracuse vs Baylor – If this tournament were to see who was most likely to cover up a homicide these would both be one seeds… along with SMU and Kansas. But it isn’t THAT KIND OF TOURNAMENT. NOT THAT KIND OF TOURNAMENT. But if it were, one seeds… both of them. Easily. But this is a basketball tournament… so I’ve got Syracuse.

 

SOUTH

Cincinnati vs Iowa – Iowa hit a bunch of buzzer beaters this season, which means they are the most dangerous team in the tournament other than Duke. If there’s anything I know about NCAA basketball, it’s that having a roster full of small unathletic coaches kids who practice sound fundamentals almost guarantees you a trip to the Sweet 16. I’ve got American Gothic painting come to life Iowa in this game.

 

MIDWEST

UNC vs Iona – Bloodbath is only a word I would use when describing violent civil war battles, the movie Caligula, and the first two rounds of opponents for North Carolina every year. Tar Heels all the way.

Kansas vs Northeastern – Kansas is under investigation in both basketball and football… they’re trying to find a dead hooker to pin on their former football coach so they don’t have to pay him his contract settlement money, and Bill Self has been under investigation for recruiting violations pretty much every year since he took over and has never been popped, and if all that doesn’t convince you KU is dirty… they were average at best this season and still got put into a region where they could get to play in their own backyard and their first round matchup is against a school I’m pretty sure someone made up. Northeastern is the name of the generic school in movies when the producers don’t want to get sued for copyright infringement. I’ve heard of Northwestern… I’ve never heard of Northeastern. Which pretty much confirms Kansas is a dirty program that should be given the death penalty. All that considered… take the Jayhawks. It will be the last time you get to do that for a while.

Iowa State vs Ohio State – If you are buried in student loan debt you probably went to Ohio State, and if you’re wondering why you received a degree in the mail from a school you didn’t attend, you probably went to Iowa State… according to Iowa State. That being said, the cyclones are one of the best tournament teams in the country the last six seasons, so take Iowa State.

Kentucky vs Abilene Christian – If there’s any team that deserves to lose in the first round to Abilene Christian it’s Kentucky. I assume God is on your side Abilene Christian, and that’s mainly because you have “Christian” in your name. And if Kentucky wins, it’s proof there is no God… or at the very least, that God doesn’t care about your basketball team. And at the very worst it means God actually wants you to lose and is punishing you for your sins. So you better win Abilene Christian… God wants winners… and you better not disappoint!