Look, I’m already not the biggest Fergie fan. Not that I don’t like her as a person, but as a musical artist I just think she’s absolute crap. People used to argue with me vehemently about it and it only made my opinion, and resolve, stronger. WELL LOOK WHO WAS RIGHT ALL ALONG! ME!

Fergie singing the National Anthem last night before the NBA All-Star game was literally one of the worst renditions I have ever heard in my entire life. It made Roseanne’s famous National Anthem in 1990 debacle sound like an Andrea Bocelli riff. If Fergie went on American Idol with that botch job of a song, they’d put her on an album with William Hung and toothless red-headed weirdo that screeched Bohemian Rhapsody in the Season 6 auditions.

If somebody asked me to descirbe what it sounded like I’d say it was a mix between a bag of cats being beaten with a lead tennis racket and the shot engine on a ’72 Gremlin turning over. However, with all that being said, I think Fergie is actually an American hero in disguise.

Fergie singing the National Anthem was something that we all, as Amercians, needed right now.

The internet can be a dark place where everyone constantly snipes and attacks one another, but every once in a while something happens that brings the entire web together. We need these times of unity because they help bring us together in a world of uncertainty and division.

Maybe some people look at Fergie’s performance as her taking on L on the chin, but I look at it as Fergie doing her patriotic duty and trying to give this country another reason to band together against a common enemy. She accomplished that goal. Her singing of the National Anthem was an attack on the senses no normal human being should ever endure unless you’re at a family reunion and your crazy aunt starts yapping at you because you “you never call or come around anymore.” Not that I would know what that’s like.

Just think about it, the entire country was brought together to torch Fergie in total unison last night and the results were instant and incredible.


The effort and speed that millennials work with when trying to destroy somebody on the internet is simultaneously astounding and frustrating. We could rule the world if we wanted to but—meh—

It wasn’t just us regular, everyday folk that noticed Fergie’s worst attempt at being a Marilyn Monroe impersonator either—the players and celebrities at the All-Star were all well aware they were watching a golden moment in person:


Only a true american can, in one fell swoop, bring an entire country together like this. I would let Fergie sing the National Anthem once a month if it could guarantee us the type of unified front I’ve been seeing over the past 15 hours.

Fergie I applaud you for sucking so immensely and so greatly that you have brought so many people in America together regardless of creed, race, or religion. You have given us a singular enemy to direct all of our sarcasm and aggression towards and we thank you for that.

Long live Fergie, a true American hero!

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