Jerry Jones is a national treasure. He’s also a 70-year old fuck boy who likes to party. SO here are the top five places I’d like to travel with Jerry Jones.
NUMBER FIVE… SEX ISLAND.
Number five narrowly beats out honorable mention EYES WIDE SHUT PARTY. On Sex Island you have all the debauchery of an eyes wide shut situation without the danger of possibly discovering someone’s identity who can have you murdered. Sex Island with Jerry Jones would be like what Fyre Festival was supposed to be plus yunno… sex, and not what it actually was. A combination of Lord of the Flies, Narcos and Chernobyl. Kind of like what the Cowboys defense was supposed to be against the Rams… vs what it actually was. A combination of wet toilet paper and sadness… and Chernobyl. Ever seen one man try to have sex with 100 women after he just won a fixed golf tournament? Me either, but watching Jerry Jones attempt it is the kind of story you’ll want to tell your grandkids someday.
NUMBER FOUR… BUCKINGHAM PALACE.
If anyone can’t tell her majesty to hold his whiskey while he screws with the palace guards, it’s Jerry Jones. It’s one of the only time you’ll ever be able to see the mascot of a country meet a world leader… And as we all know, the queen of England has met plenty of world leaders as the mascot of England, so why shouldn’t she finally meet Jerry Jones?
NUMBER THREE… JERRY JONES’ YACHT.
Uncle Jerry spent $250 million on a fancy boat. I don’t know what $250 million buys you in a boat. I’m guessing wifi for starters. Jacuzzi, champagn bar, a gold boat anchor, and probably a live-in instagram model… she’s got an apartment on board where she just takes selfies promoting yoga pants and smoothies and other feminine products. When you think about it, Jerry is probably making money on this deal.
NUMBER TWO: AN IRISH FUNERAL.
Jerry Jones is never more in his element than when he is in an environment that promotes the flaunting of alcoholism… How does this party go? Will Jerry sing Billy Joel’s piano man 15 times in a row and then make out with the deceased’s wife? I don’t know… but I definitely want to find out.
NUMBER ONE: THE SUPER BOWL AFTER PARTY WHEN THE COWBOYS WIN IT ALL.
We have established that Jerry Jones is a man who knows how to appreciate the finer things in life. And never would we be able to combine more things and excuse more grandiose abhorrent behavior from a Billionaire than the moment right after he wins a Super Bowl. Jerry Jones would turn into a drunk boner torpedo ripping through every hedonistic moment from one to the next, NOT ONLY carrying the Lombardi Trophy but wearing Roger Goodell’s teeth on a string around his neck. That’s the trophy he really cares about.